Coming Out

Let’s talk about coming out —

I wanted to dedicate a self portrait of mine to capturing the process of coming out, especially for trans folk. Most of the time, this is the second or third time trans people have to come out. First, you come to terms with your sexuality, then you end up having to add gender into the mix too. The entire process of coming out felt like I was trapped in the closet of a burning house and the only way out was to run through the flames. I felt hopeless.

I came out as trans exactly two years ago to my gender and sexuality professor. Someone I owe a lot of my coming out journey to. I had come out 2 times prior so this was my 3rd time coming out (hence the 3 hangers in the closet from the shoot) and I felt lost. I was upset that I hadn’t figured things out sooner and I was even more upset with the fact that I was trans. I can promise you right now, this is not something I wanted for myself. I did not want to go through months of depression, years of questioning myself, or a lifetime of dysphoria ahead of me. Nobody chooses this lifestyle. Coming to terms with the fact that I was trans was almost harder than telling people I was trans. My professor told me to come out to someone new every week and allow myself to get comfortable with the idea of being open with who I was and although it was a super simple piece of advice, it helped. I came out to my roommate at the time and then proceeded to come out to home town friends and my ex-girlfriend at the time. The more I talked about it with people, the more real it became. I used to sit in bed in the dark for hours, watching youtube videos of trans men who had transitioned and were living their truth, hating myself because I didn’t think I was strong enough to do the same thing. I used to tell those who knew I was trans that I would NEVER tell my family because I didn’t think it was humanly possible for them to accept me. I come from a very traditional Italian family so I just assumed the worst. I knew it would be hard for people to see me as a man or call me by the correct pronouns so I put off coming out because I didn’t want to make other people uncomfortable. That’s where I went wrong. Anyone who can relate to this feeling, stop living to make other people comfortable and start living to make yourself comfortable.

Realizing I Was Trans

It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that I was trans. I think a part of me knew but didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t even say it out loud for months because then I knew it’d be true. So, I just kept it to myself. (Which by the way is unhealthy so maybe don’t do that). I actually started realizing it because I was watching “Are You The One”, a show on MTV and there was a trans masculine contestant on it, Kai. (kai__wes) I resonated a lot with Kai’s journey and I’m thankful for them sharing their story because without it, I may not be where I am today. This is exactly the reason why I share my own journey on social media because at the end of the day, if it helps someone, then I know I’m changing someone’s life and that means the whole world to me.

Someone asked me if I could wake up tomorrow however I wanted without any judgement from anyone in my life how would I want to wake up? If you’re questioning coming out and having a hard time trying to tell your family or your friends, ask yourself that exact question. I promise your answer will tell you everything you need to know. I came out to one of my best friends through text and she cut my hair that same week. I had my doubts, stupid excuses like oh “I’m not gonna look good with short hair” and she convinced me otherwise. When she cut my hair, I had never felt more myself in my entire life. It was the best day of my whole 21 years of living at the time. I’m beyond grateful for that friend and she knows exactly who she is. I promise the support is there, you just have to be honest with yourself and with others.

Coming Out to Family

Coming out to my family for the third time was quite possibly one of the hardest things I had to do in my whole life. I don’t mean that in any type of way towards my family because I love them to death, but the thought of telling them that I wanted to be a boy and they’ll no longer have a daughter was absolutely terrifying. I came home from college to tell them and it was the worst day of my life. No matter what you’re not going to get the response you truly want because at the end of the day, it’s a shock to them. It’s going to be hard but it just takes time, so allow yourself to give them that. I told them I was planning on cutting my hair and the response was a bit rough to say the least. Looking back, I think I could’ve given them the benefit of the doubt because they weren’t necessarily educated on the trans community yet. That’s where you have to take it upon yourself to educate them. Pronouns were hard. They always are but for me specifically, I lived 21 years of my life as a female, so a majority of people in my circle had to adjust to using he/him pronouns for me, which was a bit more on the difficult side for some. But that’s okay. I gave them time. As long as they were correcting themselves, I tried my best to ignore the misgendering.

My best advice when it comes to coming out to your family is to allow them time to adjust. Although I am very much still alive, I still needed to give them time to “grieve” their daughter and their “sister.” At the time I hated them for it for a bit, but now that I’ve grown, I look back and I understand. Don’t ruin your relationship with your family just because they don’t understand. My brother and I almost didn’t have a relationship when I came out and now he’s become my best friend. It takes time for anyone to adjust to the right things to say and the correct way to refer to you, they’re not gonna get it on the first try. And I know we’re already dealing with so much shit ourselves, why do we have to be the ones to do that for other people. But at the end of the day, it’s essentially what makes you stronger as a person.

Coming Out on Social Media

I hated the idea of coming out individually to people I knew so I ended up making a coming out post on my socials. I had already told my close friends, lost a few along the way but I’m alright with that. If someone isn’t going to accept you for who you are then there was no place for them in your life in the first place.

The love I received from that post was beyond anything I ever imagined. My friends helped me through a lot when I came out and I’m beyond thankful for them. I had people message me privately telling me that they were proud of me and it was a good feeling to say the least. I started testosterone the same day I came out because I was too scared to change my pronouns prior to starting T. Although I’ve had a lot of love I’ve also had a lot of hate since coming out. It’s just something that comes with being trans and that’s exactly why I love my community. We’re strong despite all of the people in the world who are against us. So try to ignore the hate and accept the love.

I don’t know exactly what I hope people gain from reading this, but I hope they understand that coming out doesn’t have to be as hard as everyone makes it seem. For me, I wish I came out sooner. Don’t let the world’s views stop you from being yourself. F*ck what other people think, it’s your life. Start living it.