Deadnaming
Let’s talk about deadnames…
or let’s not..technically
If you don’t know what a deadname is, essentially it’s a trans person’s birth name that they changed to better fit who they are. It’s the name that they no longer want to be called because it does not align with their gender. In the most simplest terms, a dead-name is called a dead-name for a reason. it’s dead. So if i’m going to give anyone advice on this, it’s to never refer to a trans person as their deadname. Whether their name is legally changed or not, always make sure you know their preferred name and pronouns before referring to them.
If you want to know what someone’s dead name is, don’t ask. In the nicest way possible, you don’t get to know, sorry. I know some people ask out of curiosity and a lot of the time there’s no malicious intent, but at the end of the day, if someone doesn’t want to be called something that they don’t identify with, you need to respect that. They most likely don’t want to talk about it so they most like don’t want to answer any questions about it either. Simply just respect their preferred name and pronouns and move on. You do not need to know a person’s deadname in order to respect them. That’s not who they are now so why does it matter?
What about when I’m talking about them in the past?
I’ve gotten this question multiple times before and if they aren’t using it in the present, you shouldn’t use it for the past either. Always respect a trans person’s current name and pronouns when talking about them in the past. Yes, they might’ve looked differently and used different pronouns when you knew them but that does not mean that’s who they are now. There’s a reason trans people change their name and pronouns and it’s because they don’t want people viewing them as they were before because it wasn’t who they are. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about past memories with them, but you should still give them the respect they deserve when you do.
What if I accidentally deadname someone?
If you accidentally deadname someone, simply correct yourself and move on. There’s no need to make a big deal of it because in all reality, we want to completely forget it happened, so you should do the same. If a family member accidentally calls me by my deadname, it obviously will hurt for a brief second, but I don’t hold anything against them because they are trying. Coming from my own family’s perspective, you can’t just expect they’re going to smoothly switch names after calling you your birth name for however many years, for me it was 21. There’s going to me some mistakes, but if the effort is there, I respect it and appreciate it. People are going to make mistakes at the beginning. It might just take a little time.
On the other hand, deadnaming someone to purposefully be transphobic is probably one of the most disrespectful things you can do. Even just hearing your deadname can bring back a lot of dysphoria and hatred towards yourself for many trans people. I have a rather common deadname so even when I hear it in public I cringe. It’s brief, but the pain is there, especially when it’s used in a transphobic way. I’ve had people comment my deadname on multiple sources of social media simply just to be transphobic. There was a time where one of my Tik Tok videos had constant notifications pop up on my phone where it was literally just comments of my deadname one after the other. It came to a point where I had to go out of my way to turn off my phone and shut off any notifications because all of them were negative and transphobic. What was even worse was that I never came out and told anyone my deadname. They just assumed. So please, do NOT use someone’s deadname as a way to insult them because that’s one of the worst things you can say to a trans person.
If you’re curious about what someone’s deadname is, don’t be. I know it might be interesting to know but unless they bring it up to you and tell you themselves, don’t ask. It’s a rather intrusive question and it’s not something most trans people want to be talking about. There’s a reason we go through the long process of legally changing our names and it’s because our birth one did not fit right for us. And if their name isn’t legally changed yet, respect whatever their preferred name is. It shouldn’t matter if it’s “legal” or not. That’s simply just for government purposes.
What’s the legal process of changing your name?
Legally changing your name is a rather long and annoying process but I promise it’s worth it. Having to see my deadname on my license, my school email, etc was always extremely hard for me. Luckily I was only in school for a semester before I was able to legally change my name but a lot of trans people just have to deal with the fact that they’re getting deadnamed everyday in class or online because they haven’t been able to legally change their name yet. Personally, I think schools should make the option to change your name on your email or diploma or anything official like that a lot easier than it is. Thankfully, I had a group of people at my school that were able to help out with my name change process before I legally changed it. Even when graduating, I was able to change the name on my diploma so they didn’t deadname me during graduation. A few months later I was able to go to court in my state and legally change my name and license. If you’re interested in how to do that, I listed a few steps and resources below!
You must fill out a name change form in order to show cause for legally changing your birth name. You can find forms based on state at this link here! (https://eforms.com/name-change/)
Once you’ve filled out the form and attached all the documents needed (Differs by state, below is what was needed for me to change my name (CT)), you may bring it your town’s probate clerk:
Petition for Change of Name (Adult)
Affidavit Re Change of Name (Adult)
Certified copy of your long-form birth certificate
Two (2) forms of identification, including at least one (1) form of photo ID
A fee is also required when submitting your forms to the clerk, for Connecticut the fee was $250.
In most cases, you will have a judge review your forms and grant you a name change. This can happen over the phone or in court, for me I changed my name during COVID so I went through this process over the phone.
Some states require a more formal advertisement before you use your new name, which is done simply by posting a notice in the local newspaper.
Finally, you’ll be able to use your new name! If you want to go about changing your drivers license, school, bank name, etc. you will have to bring the signed forms given to you by a judge to the DMV, your school, your bank, etc and go through each process separately.
