Gaining Confidence After Transitioning

First of all, put on the song “Nicole Kidman” by ADELA and then you can continue reading.

For some reason this song brought out energy that made me want to talk about being a “former baddie” as a trans man. And yes, I am so serious.

Gaining confidence after transitioning was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life.

Growing up, I tried really hard to fit into what I thought femininity was supposed to be. I paid attention to the beauty standards for girls my age. I wore the tight shirts that made my boobs stand out. I wore corsets and boots out to the club. I went dress shopping for prom. I knew how to make myself look “hot,” and honestly, there were plenty of times when I did really think I looked good.

But was I ever comfortable?

Not once.

And for a long time, I didn't realize those two things could be separate.

I had confidence in the sense that I knew I could look good. I could walk into a room and know that other people probably thought I looked '“beautiful” or “attractive”. But I didn't feel like I was truly being myself. Something always felt a bit off.

I was insecure going out. I couldn't completely relax and be myself because I was constantly thinking about how other people were perceiving me. Was my outfit flattering enough? Did I look feminine enough? Did I look good from someone else's perspective?

I had become so accustomed to that discomfort that I thought it was normal. I was constantly living for other people that I forgot to ask myself, is this even me?

And it sure as hell wasn’t.

I think that's something worth talking about, especially for anyone who grew up feeling like they had to perform femininity or masculinity for society. Sometimes you can be really good at being the version of yourself that everyone expects you to be and still feel like something isn't quite right.

And that doesn't automatically mean you're trans. Everyone's experience with gender, femininity, and their body is different. You don't have to hate femininity to question whether the way you're experiencing it actually feels like you. You don't have to have everything figured out. It's okay to be curious about yourself and explore your gender.

For me, the more I started dressing masculinely, the more I felt like I was finally finding myself.

But even then, something was still off.

I'd wear men's clothes, but my chest would still poke out. Maybe the clothes didn't fit the way I wanted them to. I'd finally found a style that felt more like me, but I still felt like my body was working against the person I was trying to see in the mirror.

I went from feeling like a “baddie” to realizing that a lot of the confidence I'd had before was built around how other people saw me.

Because now, when I feel myself, it's a completely different feeling.

It's not the feeling of knowing I look good because I'm meeting someone else's standard. It's the feeling of looking in the mirror and actually being able to recognize myself.

But that doesn't immediately mean I’ll never struggle with confidence again.

I still have insecurities about my body. I still have days when I don't feel particularly attractive or comfortable in my skin. Transition didn't magically give me perfect self-esteem.

But I don't feel like I have to fake confidence for other people anymore.

Gender affirmation can be incredibly life changing… but it doesn't mean your dysphoria suddenly disappear.

I'm still learning how to be comfortable with myself. I’m still learning to be more confident.

And one of the most surprising parts of that journey has been realizing that I can actually connect with my femininity now.

I can blast “Nicole Kidman” and feel like a bad b*tch again…

The difference is that I'm not being forced into it.

If there's anything I'd want someone growing up with these questions to know, it's that you don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to invalidate the moments when you genuinely felt beautiful or confident. Those experiences were real, even if you eventually realized they weren't the whole story.

You are allowed to look back at who you were and have compassion for that person.

Maybe you were trying to fit in. Maybe you genuinely enjoyed parts of femininity. Maybe you were uncomfortable and didn't have the words for why. Maybe you're still figuring it out.

Whatever your experience is, you deserve the space to explore it.