My Relationship With Testosterone
Let’s talk about my relationship with testosterone…
I wanted to do a shoot before my shot centered around my love-hate relationship with testosterone. I used to be excited for my shot day at the beginning of my transition. I loved it. I loved picking up my testosterone from the pharmacy, drawing it from the vile, and I even loved injecting it (when I didn’t have bad shot anxiety). Now, I almost despise it. My shot anxiety is bad every time. Getting it done is more of a relief than an excitement now. I mean yes, testosterone saved my life, but I hate the fact that I even have to take it in the first place.
For those who don’t know, when you inject testosterone you have to do it every week. I have to remember to take 10 minutes out of my day every week to stick a needle in me just so I could live without crippling dysphoria. Which doesn’t even help 100% because my dysphoria is still there. It’ll never fully go away which makes the whole process of taking testosterone even more aggravating.
There are a few different ways to take testosterone. I’ve always done injections but I have been looking into other methods.
Injections: This is normally the best option, given weekly to maintain even levels of testosterone.
Gel/Patches: These are applied to your skin daily.
Pill: This is an oral form of testosterone, taken twice daily.
Pellets: These go under your skin and are inserted every few months via an in-office visit. Inquire with your doctor about that if interested!
On one hand, I love the things testosterone has done for me. Pre-t, there were a lot of things about myself and my body that I hated. I never thought I would get to the point where I would actually be able to love certain parts of myself. It’s made my voice significantly deeper, stopped my menstruation, given me more hair (everywhere), given my facial hair, the list goes on. Testosterone hormone therapy helped save my life and I only hope that it continues to be an option for people who need it, especially trans kids. But I want those who intend to use testosterone to understand all the effects it does have on you. There might be certain changes you don’t expect. It’s different for everyone. Some of the most common changes people don’t like as much are the increased amount of acne, mood swings, increased aggravation, increased sexual drive, etc. Bottom growth is another change that is not talked about as often. Bottom growth in the most simplest terms is the genital changes experienced by people on testosterone. It will increase erectile tissue in people who were born assigned female at birth just as a young boy experiences when he goes through puberty. I have an entire blog posted about this topic if you’re interested in reading more here.
I wish I could say that I loved shot days and that I loved taking testosterone every week as a part of my routine but I don’t. I don’t want this to scare anyone into not starting T but I want people to understand the reality of the situation, which is that this is something that becomes the rest of your life. It’s hard. But that doesn’t mean you’re not strong enough to start it. It takes a certain person to go through something like this and I’m proud of anyone who has. If you haven’t started yet, you can do it. You’re strong enough to get to this point so I already know you’ll be strong enough to start hormones too. It’s an exciting moment. I remember the day I started T like it was yesterday. I was on top of the world and I’ll never forget it. April 16th, 2020.
This is where testosterone comes back to being in this love-hate relationship with me. I love it because it’s helped me more than words can ever describe. But I hate it because I need it. I never want to go back to how I felt before I started taking T but I wish I could’ve just been born with it. I wish I didn’t even have to take it in the first place. I hate knowing that I have to go through the process of injecting it every week for the rest of my life. This doesn’t mean it hasn’t helped me, it just means I wish I was able to help myself without relying on hormones to do it for me.
